Safe in Solitude

Stationary, sedentary, so called sanity
This home is but an accumulation
Of myself, spread thin and throughout
The overproduction of the arbitrary
There's no such thing as out of sight, out of mind
In a house with no dark spaces
And no secret hiding places
My feelings are plastered to the wall
Like the sheet music tacked to the closet door
That I pretend not to see each time I get dressed
Donning the necessary articles
To hide my naked skin
From the cold wind outside
And the freezing temperatures within
My heart has been chipped at like an ice sculpture
Until it was finally molded into something beautiful
But its melting within my chest
Filling my lungs with water
And I feel like I'm drowning
In emotion
Wave after wave of repressed memories
That I surf through with the skill
Of a psychologist
Who received a Ph. D. online
Taking notes from open source programs
That change each time I refresh the page
Filling me with uncertainty
And so I dream on paper
Throwing my thoughts into a melting pot
Melding them together
And sculpting them into something I don't recognize
Like the man that stares back at me
When I look in the mirror
I don't trace the contours of my face
Because it's all in the eyes
The doorway to my soul
That lies somewhere in my head
Hiding between the folds
Accessible, but indescribable
I just can't seem to make out the edges
In each dimly lit hallway I travel
In a home with so many things
The lack of AA batteries is disheartening
And so I beat the flashlight against my palm
Determined to knock it into submission
To shed some light on my situation
And understand why I can't just walk
Out the door
And stick my thumb out
Signifying my need to get away
From myself
And the thought processes that keep me trapped
In a singular motion, back and forth like a pendulum
I'm both content and restless
Courageous and scared
Loving and hateful
The dual nature of everything
Keeps me open minded
And ready for at least the possibility
Of something new and exciting
In theory at least
But these four walls are my security blanket
And I just can't seem to let go
And surrender myself
To the world outside